My hormones are changing.
My body is rolling between high days where I am full of energy, talkative and inspired and days where I feel out of control, raw and demand silence. This past week has been cloudy and grey – I have been irritable, isolating, and restless.
And, NO. It’s not that I work too much and have job stress. It’s because I’m a 47 year old woman.
I have noticed during the space between waking and rising my brain slides into conversations with people close to me. In these imaginary conversations I’m fed up and I hit them my harshest truth. Things like how much I despise them for lying and not following through on assurances they made, how their apathy enrages me, how I don’t like the sight of their face, how what they do and don’t do pisses me off.
Do what you fucking say you’re going to do!!! I scream at them (in my head).
I don’t want to hear you chew your fucking food, I don’t want to clean up your goddamn messes and I don’t want to hear how you don’t like something you have the power to change. You only get one go in this life, DO SOMETHING important, please!!
I work in human services and talk to people in other agencies and the state who work with vulnerable populations forty hours a week. I have zero tolerance for their small talk and hearing them pontificate on important community issues – then DO NOTHING. They go home to their nice houses, in their nice cars, with a car full of groceries and their middle class problems. The hypocrisy grates on my Very. Last. Nerve.
My lady doctor, whom I saw yesterday says she believes menopause (pre and post) is about women realizing they don’t need nor want to take care of everyone else anymore. The drastic shifts in hormone ratios trigger a high level of self awareness which most women grapple heavily with. They experience feelings of guilt, selfishness, self criticism and decreased self esteem. Internally, they begin questioning who they are, what they want and what they are doing. They begin to see themselves as an entity outside of their families, jobs and friends.
Who am I? What do I want?
Throughout my twenties and thirties I committed to grabbing my shovel and digging into my wounded-ness. I wanted to know what happiness felt like and I knew in my marrow that healing, peace and resolution were on the other side of the hole in my gut. I struggled with anger, rage, depression, grief – being a victim of my pain. I hated my life and myself and I wanted something different so that I didn’t raise may daughters in my pain.
I was offered the option of choice. Love or Fear? Responsibility or victim?
Over time and through emotional work/healing I developed a deep and thorough acceptance and love of myself. Today I AM grounded, confident and content in WHO I am. I do not value myself only as a mother and a wife, I value ALL aspects of myself and I am a very complex creature. If I hadn’t spent my life committed to clearing out the cellular and emotional wounds my family of origin handed me and working on WHO I am I imagine my current hormone fluctuations would bring me to me knees.
I am grateful for the tools I was offered. I am grateful beyond belief for my friend and mentor for sharing her wisdom with me and for loving me when I wasn’t able to love myself.
I am ascending.
I am looking deeper at how I can take who I am and make a tangible difference in the world I live in. For a long time I felt I was outgrowing or taking what I was taught to a higher level. The level I seek is more than just about the victim game or ego states or feeling my emotions. The level I seek is about total integration of feelings, emotions, responsibility, integrity, acceptance and self respect. This level is one where I take my highest self out into the world and share my gifts with people who need them. I seek to share the parts of my story that people need, to share my energy and myself in ways that encourage and support acceptance and LOVE.
The ONLY way I am able to do this is by being my truest, most authentic self. Living in honesty, being vulnerable, LOVING hard and deep and most importantly being honest, truthful, and real. THIS is who I am and this is who I was created to be.
I am committed to no gossip, no drama, no lies, no fear, no judgement, no doubts, no lack of integrity. If you wanna play and be a drama queen thats cool, but I’m not going to hang with you.
I have read many self-help books that encourage stuck-ness. They encourage readers to ponder, make lists, consider, think about, and journal. These are all fine and good, however growth isn’t in a prompt or list, growth is in the DOING. Growth is in doing the hard, gut-wrenching work to level up and create a different reality for yourself.
Becoming aware of your own bullshit.
As for today, my hormones are leveling out. I struggle with not hating my rolling hills of emotions, I see and feel their value. I know that this is all part of my evolution as a woman, as a human being and it’s spurring an internal dialogue that will help my continued growth journey.